I just spent the last half hour throwing myself in bed, crying. I cut myself with a steak knife. I didn't draw any blood, bu the pain itself was enough for me to keep doing it.
Recovery is exhausting. Being positive is exhausting. Trying to be normal is exhausting.To be honest, I don't see a reason for me to even keep trying. Nothing motivates me anymore. I'm going through the motions and it is not something I want to get used to.
We bought a laptop and installed The Sims 4 for the sole purpose of me having a distraction from my depression, but it doesn't seem to be working well since, you know, hi, I'm still depressed and still have suicidal thoughts.
I miss my cutter, the one sharp enough to actually break my skin and draw some blood. I miss my old, happy self who was fun to be around. I miss being relatively normal.
What's worse is that I can feel myself trying to withdraw, again. It's dangerous for me because when I withdraw, I have a tendency to get stuck in a cycle where I feel so completely alone even though it's my fault for not reaching out.
I have to stop doing this to myself, but I have no idea how.
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