#blessed

With my condition, it's so important to find things in life to be grateful for. Here's a list of what I currently appreciate in my life:

Exhausted

I just spent the last half hour throwing myself in bed, crying. I cut myself with a steak knife. I didn't draw any blood, bu the pain itself was enough for me to keep doing it.

Recovery is exhausting. Being positive is exhausting. Trying to be normal is exhausting.

Abandonment issues

J says that I have embraced my abandonment issues to the point where I use it as a defense mechanism. We're working on getting rid of that since it's been triggering my panic attacks.

Frustration

This has been one hell of a ride. My last session with J, she was so proud of my progress and said we wouldn't need to meet until July 17. But I can feel the awful weight of depression setting in again, so I moved up my therapy to tomorrow.

Depression brought us together

It's unfortunate how it takes bad things to bring people closer together. However, I choose to see it as a blessing, a happy side effect to the life-wrecker that is my depression.

My history of self-harm

I first attempted self-harm when I was in college. It was my sophomore year, and I had problems academically, with my mom, my friends, and my love life. I didn't know how to cope except by drinking.When I got home after another night of drunkenness, my mother slapped me around and said she wished she had aborted me when she had the chance.

Drugged up

During my second session with J, she mentioned that I might benefit from the use of medications, so she referred me to R, their staff psychiatrist. When I spoke with R, he assessed that I missed zero out of nine symptoms of clinical depression. He prescribed three drugs for me: Escitalopram (anti-depressant), Aripiprazole (anti-psychotic), and Clonazepam (anti-anxiety).

Roller Coaster

Depression makes you feel weird. Like one day, you're all good and happy, and things seem to be looking up. Recovery can feel like a piece of cake. Forging connections with fellow humans is a breeze. You get just the right amount of sleep.

About me

I hold a Bachelor's Degree. I'm 23. I live with my single mom, a dog, and tons of cats.

Oh, and I'm clinically depressed!